Jekyll and Hyde

Mr Hyde_medI’m a health nut and a borderline alcoholic. I enjoy science documentaries and art-house cinema, but I also like watching UFC fighters knock seven shades of shit out of each other. I’m a fairly empathetic person, but sometimes wish I could see my upstairs neighbours eaten slowly by wolves.

I’d be surprised if there were many people alive who didn’t exhibit some degree of these types of contradictory character traits. Their existence has surely inspired many writers and thinkers over the centuries, including the author Robert Louis Stevenson himself.

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The Costa Blanca confabulation

palmI’m writing this latest post beneath gently swaying palms and an azure-blue sky. I have temporarily left behind the green fields and fine pastries of Denmark to visit my family in sunny Spain.

Relaxing on my sun lounger and sipping a cold beer, I recalled the strange events that had led us all to be here today. No not abiogenesis and evolution, I already covered that. These were rather more recent happenings..

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Evilution*

homersapienEvolution has brought about a spectacular abundance of plant and animal life that we are trying our very best to eradicate, perhaps so we can have the planet all to ourselves. Of course the interdependence of humans and the flora and fauna of Earth makes this behaviour slightly baffling. It sometimes appears we are like a cartoon character, sawing through the branch that it sits on. Or in our case chopping down the whole forest.

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If we could talk to the animals..

ant2_medI’ve been trying out this amazing new universal animal translation software and thought I’d give it a go. Here is the result.

It is morning in the home of Jason, Ann and their elderly cat, Minnie.

J: ‘Hi Minnie! How are you?’ *Strokes her back and face*

Minnie: ‘Never mind that shit, get me some grub!’

J: ‘Hang on a sec, gotta use the bathroom..’

Minnie: ‘Oi! Where the hell are you going? Get back here!’

*Tries to trip him up*

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The Halfbananas guide to.. health and nutrition

Vegas_medYou have probably noticed the Internet is awash with articles, blogs and websites promoting ‘natural health,’ or ads for the latest new ‘wonder food’ that will make you thinner, healthier or smarter than Einstein.

There is also a steady stream of stories in the media telling us how this latest study contradicts the many previous studies, and in fact a diet based around lard, cigarettes and heroin is perfectly fine, in moderation of course.
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Gimme space, man

astronaut_medWhen I was young I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, apart from taller.

I showed a keen interest in science and space exploration at an early age, but sadly my eventual application to astronaut school was rejected, on the grounds of my flat feet and shortsightedness. That, and the complete lack of a science degree, flying experience, courage, or any of the usual qualities they tend to look for in potential astronauts.

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Sub-versive

octopus_lge

Nautical Miles

‘An octopus is not a cat,’
Miles said, ‘It’s plain to see;

it’s hard to keep one in a flat,
or sit one on your knees.’

The squid’s another cephalopod,
Miles got one: “just for laughs”;

it’s not as friendly as a dog,
but it’s much more keen on baths.

‘I cook it fishcakes every day,’
he told his best friend, Peg;

she looked at him in a sceptical way,
and said: ‘Pull the other leg.’
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Serial killer

dark_street_meedHe watches patiently, staying low and out of sight. In the darkness, he creeps forward silently, staying in the shadows, avoiding the pools of light from the street lamps. He has sighted his prey.

It’s a chilly and moonless night, with little sound but the slight rustling of trees and bushes. Somewhere very far-off, a car alarm starts up. He pauses, then proceeds silently, stealthy as any Ninja-assassin.

His modus operandi is always the same – strike fast, under cover of darkness, leaving his victims no time to react. His weapons are razor sharp. His cold terrifying gaze strikes fear into their pounding hearts. And there have been so many victims.

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The rise of the idiots – a dystopian tale. Part three

Read part one and part two of the story.

tatue_of_Liberty_med

The situation looked grim – the demonstration outside New York’s Hall of Science was turning into a riot as more and more of the city’s thugs and crazies arrived to join in the melee. Salma was down, injured, Spark almost out of juice and Ray Flint – Rational Ray – seemed to be missing in action.

Will the forces of idiocy prevail? It’s time to find out..

Spark crawled across the grass to Salma’s side. Blood trickled down from her temple, giving him grave cause for concern. Her attacker, a hulking brute with shaved head and swastika tattoos was still close by, but just out of his reach. Perhaps he could manage one last stun before his battery ran flat. Where in the name of fuck was Ray?

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Risk averse

A brief break from the nail-biting fictional dystopia to honour World Poetry Day – 21st March. Here it is, for better or worse, something silly – a little light verse.

What’s up with Dave?

There was always something odd about Dave,
Maybe it was the shouting at trees?

The fact he ate slugs, and lived in a cave,
Or perhaps ‘cos his friends were all bees.

From his fondness for swearing,
And demeanour – quite scary;

To the mask he was wearing,
He made most folks wary.

I saw him while fishing,
He seemed fairly chipper;

Although his jacket was missing,
And his tie was a kipper!

It’s easy to smirk,
To snigger and stare;

But Dave is no jerk,
He’s an odd billionaire.

***

Walkies

I took my snake out for a walk today,
Down to the lake with the talking carp;

While I sat and watched pink elephants play,
He splashed about, it was such a lark.

Sparrows roared, then danced a jig,
A duckling laughed, and clapped with glee;

I found it strange, my eyes grew big,
Maybe someone’s spiked my tea?

 
Copyright J.Lennick 2016. All rights reserved.