Evolution has brought about a spectacular abundance of plant and animal life that we are trying our very best to eradicate, perhaps so we can have the planet all to ourselves. Of course the interdependence of humans and the flora and fauna of Earth makes this behaviour slightly baffling. It sometimes appears we are like a cartoon character, sawing through the branch that it sits on. Or in our case chopping down the whole forest.
I’ve been trying out this amazing new universal animal translation software and thought I’d give it a go. Here is the result.
It is morning in the home of Jason, Ann and their elderly cat, Minnie.
J: ‘Hi Minnie! How are you?’ *Strokes her back and face*
Minnie: ‘Never mind that shit, get me some grub!’
J: ‘Hang on a sec, gotta use the bathroom..’
Minnie: ‘Oi! Where the hell are you going? Get back here!’
*Tries to trip him up*
You have probably noticed the Internet is awash with articles, blogs and websites promoting ‘natural health,’ or ads for the latest new ‘wonder food’ that will make you thinner, healthier or smarter than Einstein.
There is also a steady stream of stories in the media telling us how this latest study contradicts the many previous studies, and in fact a diet based around lard, cigarettes and heroin is perfectly fine, in moderation of course.
When I was young I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, apart from taller.
I showed a keen interest in science and space exploration at an early age, but sadly my eventual application to astronaut school was rejected, on the grounds of my flat feet and shortsightedness. That, and the complete lack of a science degree, flying experience, courage, or any of the usual qualities they tend to look for in potential astronauts.
‘An octopus is not a cat,’
Miles said, ‘It’s plain to see;
it’s hard to keep one in a flat,
or sit one on your knees.’
The squid’s another cephalopod,
Miles got one: “just for laughs”;
it’s not as friendly as a dog,
but it’s much more keen on baths.
‘I cook it fishcakes every day,’
he told his best friend, Peg;
she looked at him in a sceptical way,
and said: ‘Pull the other leg.’