Category Archives: Humour
Another master mangled
The further (underwhelming) adventures of Procrastination Man – part two
(If you missed them, see PM’s first adventure here & part one of this latest adventure here)
Procrastination Man is prepared for any eventuality as he opens the flat door to the mystery caller. Well almost any, he muses. A guy dressed as a moose and carrying a chainsaw would not be on the list of ‘things I’m prepared for’.
The man he finds standing in front of him is thankfully neither dressed as a moose nor wielding any tree-felling equipment. He does hold a white plastic bag that emits a rather pleasing aroma.
‘Harry Ha’ says the man, a smartly dressed chap of possibly British-Chinese origin. ‘Pleased to meet you. I thought you might fancy a bite to eat’.
A hair-raising scream
More masters mangled
Masters mangled
The further (underwhelming) adventures of Procrastination Man
The telephone interrupts our hero’s rather late breakfast, a past its use-by date pot noodle made with cold water and a glass of flat economy-brand cola. Must get the shopping done and replace the fuse in the kettle-plug he thinks, pulling a sour face.
‘Hello, Procrastination Man speaking, how may I help you?’
‘Yes, hello, I got your details from your website, although I first got through to the Somerset donkey sanctuary who gave me the correct number. They sounded quite annoyed actually’
‘Ah yes, been meaning to get that sorted…’
The sword is mightier than the pen is
When the mighty Genghis Khan was busy conquering half the world and the Vikings were spreading their genes far and wide, you can be sure they were ably assisted by some pretty deadly metal. It seems unlikely they sent a polite note first, asking if the inhabitants could be sure to be in on Wednesday between nine and four.
Vlad the Impaler may well have possessed razor sharp prose and a wonderful way with a metaphor, but it was the thought of something long and sharp where the sun don’t shine that really brought tears to the eyes of his victims.
From voodoo to woo-woo
Woo-woo:
adj. concerned with emotions, mysticism, or spiritualism; other than rational or scientific; mysterious; new agey. Also n., a person who has mystical or new age beliefs.
OK, that’s a dictionary definition of the term Woo-woo (or simply Woo) but what’s it all about and is it contagious?
Woo has been with us in one form or another for a very long time. Ever since the first snake-oil salesman showed up claiming to cure your herpes/headache/hemorrhoids with a bottle of his magic tonic (Today only – buy one get one free!) there have always been those only too happy to provide the ‘solution’ for certain basic human needs and desires, for a price. What desires are those I hear a throng of at least four voices enquire earnestly? Well I’d say it mainly comes down to our craving for easy answers or instant cures for what ails us.
Time flies
Time, mysterious and intangible, is always flying. It might have started at a gentle stroll, but as as you get older it’s taking the Bullet Train and the scenery is starting to look blurry. Or maybe I just need to change my glasses prescription.
It seems like only last week I was getting rid of the stabilisers on the bike, whizzing joyfully round the garden as everyone cheered and waved. Actually it was only last week, and perhaps they weren’t so much cheering and waving as shouting ‘Get the f**k out of our garden you arsehole!’ while shaking their fists. My neighbours have no sense of humour, but I gave their kid his bike back and left them to it. Bloody spoilsports. Continue reading
Halfbananas - humour, short fiction & verse 