Sport is pretty dull isn’t it? Don’t you just yearn for some new ideas and fresh approaches to those tired old games? Here, for your consideration, is the Olympics re-imagined.
This exciting revamp of the pole vault would be quite spectacular, although perhaps somewhat difficult to train for. Contestants are flung from a powerful catapult having first been set ablaze. (They have on fireproof suits naturally) They must clear a bar one hundred metres high, then deploy a parachute to land safely in a tank of water.
Penny Farthing hipster racing
Instead of watching folks in silly lycra outfits going round and round a stadium on racing bikes (yawn), competing hipsters with their crazy beards, tattoos and funny retro clothing race around an obstacle course on penny-farthing bikes while the audience try to topple them by firing pea-shooters, catapults and other retro toys. The winner is the first to hand his ironically awful mix-tape to the DJ at the finish line.
Strongman / woman super-decathlon
In a new and completely drugs-test free category, strong men and women of freakish size and strength go head to head in ten events designed to test their insanely over-developed bodies to breaking point. From the pick-up truck juggling to the iron girder origami, watch these real-life hulks do stuff only possible with years of gazing into gym mirrors and insane amounts of banned-substance abuse.
The competing athletes start by completing two Rubik’s cubes simultaneously and then must race around a lengthy course solving complex puzzles, all while wearing a giant Papier-mâché head and being sprayed with jets of cola/mentos from the audience. The final stage involves assembling a small rocket which must be successfully launched into a low Earth orbit.
Junior sumo doughnut-wrestling
With an increasingly obese population, young people will have a chance to train and compete for medals in this exciting update to the traditional Japanese sport. Vastly overweight youngsters battle it out inside a giant ring-doughnut arena filled with jam. They must knock their opponent out of the ring with an oversize bread-stick, then eat their way through the wall of the doughnut arena to escape before the wasps arrive.
100 meters pool race
The competitors are kitted out with old fashioned diver’s suits and helmets. Wearing heavy lead boots, they must race the length of the pool along the bottom, emptying 100 old-fashioned gas meters of their contents as they go, and reach the finish line before the sharks are released.
Each contestant sits on a couch with five bags of microwave mash potatoes and must traverse the length of the track by pulling on a greased rope to reach a microwave oven. The first contestant to cook and eat all of their mash wins.
Competitors wearing giant Papier-mâché Donald Trump heads race little pedal clown-cars round a track while being pelted with rotten fruit and veg. They must then scale a high wall, insult the audience and bribe the Olympic officials to secure a medal.
Game of rings-relay finale
Competitors in fireproof suits of armour run a relay race, but rather than the boring old baton, they have a giant flaming torch. They must then storm a mockup castle while being doused with burning oil and retrieve the missing golden Olympic ring from the Gollum robot in the dungeon within. Finally they must race to the finish line, while (mechanical) fire-breathing dragons swoop down at them from the night sky. The winner places the missing ring into the Olympic set, triggering a vast firework display and synchronised dancing ice zombies, while Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire belts out from the PA system. A fitting end to an epic new style of games.
What sports can you imagine would greatly improve the Olympics experience?
© Copyright Jason Lennick 2016. All rights reserved.