Sport is pretty dull isn’t it? Don’t you just yearn for some new ideas and fresh approaches to those tired old games? Here, for your consideration, is the Olympics re-imagined.
The catapult-vault
This exciting revamp of the pole vault would be quite spectacular, although perhaps somewhat difficult to train for. Contestants are flung from a powerful catapult having first been set ablaze. (They have on fireproof suits naturally) They must clear a bar one hundred metres high, then deploy a parachute to land safely in a tank of water.
Penny Farthing hipster racing
Instead of watching folks in silly lycra outfits going round and round a stadium on racing bikes (yawn), competing hipsters with their crazy beards, tattoos and funny retro clothing race around an obstacle course on penny-farthing bikes while the audience try to topple them by firing pea-shooters, catapults and other retro toys. The winner is the first to hand his ironically awful mix-tape to the DJ at the finish line.
Strongman / woman super-decathlon
In a new and completely drugs-test free category, strong men and women of freakish size and strength go head to head in ten events designed to test their insanely over-developed bodies to breaking point. From the pick-up truck juggling to the iron girder origami, watch these real-life hulks do stuff only possible with years of gazing into gym mirrors and insane amounts of banned-substance abuse.
Brainiac space-marathon
The competing athletes start by completing two Rubik’s cubes simultaneously and then must race around a lengthy course solving complex puzzles, all while wearing a giant Papier-mâché head and being sprayed with jets of cola/mentos from the audience. The final stage involves assembling a small rocket which must be successfully launched into a low Earth orbit.
Junior sumo doughnut-wrestling
With an increasingly obese population, young people will have a chance to train and compete for medals in this exciting update to the traditional Japanese sport. Vastly overweight youngsters battle it out inside a giant ring-doughnut arena filled with jam. They must knock their opponent out of the ring with an oversize bread-stick, then eat their way through the wall of the doughnut arena to escape before the wasps arrive.
100 meters pool race
The competitors are kitted out with old fashioned diver’s suits and helmets. Wearing heavy lead boots, they must race the length of the pool along the bottom, emptying 100 old-fashioned gas meters of their contents as they go, and reach the finish line before the sharks are released.
Couch potatoes
Each contestant sits on a couch with five bags of microwave mash potatoes and must traverse the length of the track by pulling on a greased rope to reach a microwave oven. The first contestant to cook and eat all of their mash wins.
Trumpathon
Competitors wearing giant Papier-mâché Donald Trump heads race little pedal clown-cars round a track while being pelted with rotten fruit and veg. They must then scale a high wall, insult the audience and bribe the Olympic officials to secure a medal.
Game of rings-relay finale
Competitors in fireproof suits of armour run a relay race, but rather than the boring old baton, they have a giant flaming torch. They must then storm a mockup castle while being doused with burning oil and retrieve the missing golden Olympic ring from the Gollum robot in the dungeon within. Finally they must race to the finish line, while (mechanical) fire-breathing dragons swoop down at them from the night sky. The winner places the missing ring into the Olympic set, triggering a vast firework display and synchronised dancing ice zombies, while Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire belts out from the PA system. A fitting end to an epic new style of games.
What sports can you imagine would greatly improve the Olympics experience?
© Copyright Jason Lennick 2016. All rights reserved.
Halfbananas - humour, short fiction & verse 
Haha, this was great – big fan of the finale relay and hipster race. Although I think some kind of beard/moustache twizzling event should be incorporated here too.
I’d quite like the Olympics to be like Hunger Games. Not to the death or anything, but so each country truly had to work as a team. I mean, if Tom Daly belly flops into the pool, it doesn’t really have a bearing on whether Jess Ennis reaches the finish line. But if they had tasks to complete and had to select their best competitor (and risk immediate elimination), it would be much more interesting I feel. Suppose we’ll just have to watch a mixture of Funhouse and Takeshi’s Castle whilst we wait for Seb Coe’s lot to read your proposals. 😉
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Thanks Haylee! I can definitely see room for crossover with those bizarre beard and moustache championships they hold in Europe. As for the team co-operation angle, maybe that’s a key point with the world today. It’s all about ‘me me me’ and everyone wants to be the star. Luckily I have Minnie (our cat) and Terry (the green plastic Tyrannosaurus) to help me in my quest to revolutionise sporting contests. Although to be honest, they’ve not been a great deal of help thus far..
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I loved this! Would love to see a follow up with some more events haha
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Thanks Tom! I’m tempted to do more in a similar vein.
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I especially liked the idea to involve the audience too. Enough of passiv consumism.
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Fantastic…. I particularly liked the Game of Rings one. I always thought that Unsynchronised Swimming should have been an Olympic sport. Or Imaginary Synchonised Swimming where your partner is figurative. Or Lights Out Swimming, and the person who emerges from the pool the least bruised wins. (P.s. have you watched the Monty Python sketch “Silly Olympics”? It’s brilliant, and should be on youtube if you want to take a look).
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Thanks! Loads of good ideas there. I’d watch unsynchronised swimming. I don’t think there are any Python sketches that I haven’t seen at least a few dozen times. Silly Olympics is a definite medal winner though.
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I think we should introduce a ‘Eurovision’ element to the whole affair, so that it’s not about the athlete with the most talent but rather down to a protracted and barely comprehensible voting system. Also every event should happen on the first day and should be combined with the opening ceremony. And we could all have ‘Olympic’ themed parties and pretend to watch while actually drinking slightly too much Pinot Grigiot and eating Twiglets. But I’d be up for representing GB in the catapult/ while on fire event. On the one hand it sounds absurdly dangerous but on the other, the total lack of any need to train does appeal and I think I could be a real contender…
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Interesting innovations James. More interactivity can’t be a bad thing. If I secure any backing for an alternative Olympics, you’ll be the leading contender for the Brit catavault squad. I guess you could start training just in case – maybe start with leaping in a small paddling pool holding a firework..
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Sounds good … a nice combo of “death peril” and “ritual humiliation” events. Proper ‘sport’ like the good old days of the Roman coliseum?
I think the Trumpathon could be improved though; the winner should presented with the actual rotting, dismembered head of Mr D.Trump?
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Thanks, I’m hoping the Olympic committee will be amenable to some fresh thinking. A lovely notion for the Trumpathon. The best use for his head by far.
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Surely it’s only a matter of time before the Olympic committee decide to implement these impressive ideas — perhaps when they hold the 2024 games at your house.
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I remain cautiously optimistic Bun. I just hope it gives me enough time to complete all the necessary construction work. The Papier-mâché alone is quite a task.
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I can only imagine the effort and expense that hosting the 2024 Olympics would involve. You’d definitely have to paper your front room, and then there’s all the catering for the athletes. A couple of 1.5l bottles of Coke and a few dozen paper cups don’t come cheap.
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