This post is a bit of a departure from my usual ramblings, partly in an effort to avoid the dangers of routine and comfort that we all can so easily slip into. Please do not attempt to adjust your cognition equipment.
So let’s start by shaking off the chains of convention and get loosened up with some DIY primal screaming therapy. (This is best done totally nude) Ready?
There, that’s better, I feel fired up and ready for action. How about you? I just hope the neighbours haven’t called the Police. Again. Better get dressed now and get cracking.
There were a number of ways I had considered a bit of a ‘shake-up’ for the format of this post. I Thought I could:
1. Write the post in Welsh, Morse code, Klingon or perhaps a combination of all three.
2. Document the results of drinking a half bottle of Tequila, going to the nearest post office and attempting to buy stamps for posting a walrus to the Vatican.
3. Interview an alternative me from a different part of the multiverse.
I decided to go with the last option, mainly because the other two were very silly indeed.
So here is the interview with alternative me, hereafter referred to as Me2. It was conducted via the new Skype Multiverse edition, so the connection was a bit shit as you’d expect, but I hope you will find it as illuminating as I didn’t.
Me: Hi, can you tell me your name and what you do for a living?
Me2: Hello, I’m called Aeioi Ea and I’m a Healer and Mystic.
Me: Oh dear.
Me: A ‘Healer‘ you say? And a ‘Mystic?’
Me2: Yes, why is there a problem?
Me: Never mind. What is life like in the parallel universe you inhabit?
Me2: Well, from what I’ve seen it’s really very similar to yours, although we don’t have any consonants in our language. And we have magic trees filled with Moneyfruit or Uui in our language.
Me: Moneyfruit??? You mean money literally grows on trees?
Me2: Yes. The farmers control the flow of money and protect it from the various pests and predators. They are powerful and revered figures, with enormous hats. The farmers that is, not the predators.
Me: Wow! Are there many pests and predators to deal with?
Me2: Yes, quite a few actually. The giant elephant-wasp is probably the biggest nuisance. Mind you the tree sharks can be pretty mean too. And the trees themselves get quite depressed at times and commit suicide.
Me: You’re pulling my leg aren’t you.
Me2: Yes, of course. Elephant wasps! Hilarious! The Tree Sharks ate all of them years ago.
Me: And the suicidal trees?
Me2: Oh they’re real. Tree therapists and mystic healers are big business on my world. I’m doing rather well actually.
Me: I don’t doubt it. Do you have religions or other supernatural beliefs?
Me2: Yes. There are two main groups – the Treeists and the Mongootreists. There are also a few followers of Scientolotree, but they are more of a cult for crooks and simpletons.
Me: Do they get on?
Me2: No, not really. In fact they’ve been at war over the sacred relics of the ancients for almost three thousand years.
Me: Shit, sounds grim. What are these relics?
Me2: They are the most holy and revered of artifacts ever found on our world. Said to be over three thousand years old, the catapult of Uiioa and the tail of the great sabre toothed mountain gerbil, Eio, are considered magical and a key part of the doctrines of both major religions.
It is prophesised in the book of Uua that when the great Aiie the holy Mongoose returns, he will take up the catapult and fling his followers into the heavens, then, using the tail of Eio as a lasso, they will land safely on the eternal diamond moon of the great goddess Iuia where they shall enjoy everlasting life.
Me: A Mongoose with a magic catapult? They sound even more bonkers than the religious nuts we have here.
Me2: Are you mocking our sacred beliefs?
Me: Er, yes.
Me2: Okay, I’m done with this. You sceptics are all the bloody same. I’m outta here.
Me: Wait! Come back! I had more questions, about dating, sex and the holy Mongoose!
Damn, he’s gone. Typical, these religious and new age types are so bloody sensitive. Oh well, at least we learned that wherever you go in this mysterious multiverse, you’ll probably encounter craziness. And self-proclaimed mystics, ready to exploit the gullible and take all their fruit.
It is rather disappointing to discover an alternate me exists out there who is part of the woo brigade and doesn’t live up to my high standards of rational thinking. Perhaps he just doesn’t have the right vibrational frequencies in his Chakras, the poor bastard.
Right, I’m off to the post office, wish me luck.
Hwyl fawr / –. — — -.. -… -.– . / Qapla’!
Copyright J.Lennick 2016. All rights reserved.
Photographer: Ryan Kingsbery, USGS