For those feeling inspired by Procrastination Man’s recent adventures, I present the halfbananas guide to perfecting your procrastination.
Now you too can learn to supercharge your underachievement and take your avoidance skills to the next level.
1. Write a list.
It’s always important to have a To do list. You cannot get an accurate picture of all the things you haven’t done if you don’t keep a list. Start writing one tomorrow, or maybe next week, whatever works for you.
2. Priorities matter.
If you do manage to make a list, be sure to write it in order of the importance of the tasks, always putting the most urgent things at the top. Then if one fine day you do get a sudden weird urge to tackle your list, be sure to start from the bottom with the easiest / least important items, but don’t overdo it and take lots of breaks. Rome wasn’t built in a day. You could always rearrange your cutlery drawer instead, or look at some more funny cat videos.
3. Supersize that list!
Most people procrastinate to some degree, but many lack ambition. If you want to be really world class and stand out above the merely average procrastinator, you have to up your game. Make sure there are lots of things on your To Do list (or bucket list) – five or six won’t cut it. Try and have at least twenty five, or get really heroic and make it fifty or perhaps a hundred. Be sure to make lots of them vague and wildly over-ambitious. There’s nothing like a really daunting list to get those procrastination juices flowing.
4. Think big.
Putting things off for a few days is all well and good, but the time soon whizzes past and suddenly the dreaded day has arrived. You need to start thinking bigger – why put it off till next week if you can put it off till next year? Or better yet, until you feel like doing it. Think big, expand your time-frames and don’t commit to any particular day/month/year/decade.
5. Beware of advice..
Be very careful what you read, it can have serious consequences. The Internet is littered with all sorts of websites and blogs offering tips and strategies for getting motivated, improving your time management skills, taking small steps and the value of clear and time-specific goals. Ughh. Avoid these at all costs lest you fall into the deadly trap of personal development and end up with a list of accomplishments instead of lots of half-baked dreams and unfulfilled fantasies.
6. Don’t be evil.
If you have an important test or perhaps a job interview coming up, it’s crucial to remember that some half-arsed effort last thing the night before is the most certain way of ensuring you get the result you deserve. People are deeply suspicious of those weirdos who are organised and prepare well in advance and with good reason. In past centuries these folk were often burned as witches. Beware their evil influence.
7. Maximise your procrastination potential.
There are a zillion potential distractions and time-fillers at your fingertips. If mankind were not meant to procrastinate, we wouldn’t have invented the internet. Don’t risk upsetting your friends and family by getting all busy, organised and productive. Nobody likes a smarty pants, especially a successful and happy one. If you’re not spending at least three to four hours online every day watching hilarious youtube clips, sharing banal facebook updates or reading random babble, you’re just not trying.
8. The power of focus.
It is said that fear, doubt and perfectionism are all causes of procrastination. If you want to excel at it, learn to focus on these, the triumvirate of perfect procrastination. Let the fear, doubt and pointless perfectionism guide you. It works pretty well for Procrastination Man and it can work for you too.
Copyright J.Lennick 2015 All rights reserved.
(Thanks to Ann for the inspiration)