In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes”
Andy Warhol

In these days of instant fame, social media superstars and startup billionaires, there’s never been so many opportunities to suck at life and be really miserable. Here is the handy halfbananas guide to leveraging your personal brand for maximum impact in the smediaverse and beyond.

1. Read lifestyle magazines

Nothing quite says ‘loser’ like having the wrong clothes, haircut or personal lifestyle enhancing technology. The only way to keep up is by reading a ton of lifestyle mags every day and following their tips on what to wear, what to eat and how best to record the minutiae of your life for upload to the icloud and later analysis. So get reading.

2. Maintain multiple accounts on social media, and keep them updated at all times

You can’t expect to live the life of the rich and famous if you haven’t been instagramming your meals, promoting your unique look on Snapchat and sharing your newest style tips on your Pinterest and youtube channel. Your personal brand depends on the sum of those many parts, so don’t let a poor pin or a tardy tweet let the side down. Sleep is for losers.

3. Ensure you have a lot of friends and followers

Nothing quite says ‘I’ve arrived!’ like having maxed out your Facebook friends limit. Only the very coolest people have a ton of friends and followers. You can’t expect to make an impact with an audience of just a few dozen real friends. If you can’t find ’em you can always buy ’em, a worthy investment on your way to the top.

4. Find your unique voice, or steal one

You may be a unique snowflake. Or maybe not. If you don’t have the special gifts to make the world sit up and take notice, you can always steal somebody else’s. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so don’t fear the consequences. As the popular saying has it “Don’t ask for permission, just beg for forgiveness.’ Originality is over-rated anyway, so get stealing. (But don’t steal my stuff obviously..)

5. Famous people do cool stuff. To be famous (and cool), you must do it too

If you’ve never snowboarded naked down the Matterhorn on an ironing board, or circumnavigated the globe on a rocket-powered titanium bicycle then your blog and Instagram might be looking a bit dull. You can’t get the kudos without the big ticket experiences that others only dream of. If you’re stuck for inspiration, make a list while high on mescaline and absinthe and then roll the dice to see which one to do first. High flyers don’t do routine. Routine is for er, low-flyers. Get rolling.

6. Rich and famous people have staff

You can’t expect to fill your day with all this exciting stuff and also share every detail on social media without some help. These days you need, at the very minimum, a personal assistant, a PR manager and a social media whiz to keep your profiles all looking the bees knees. Of course you may have to decide whether a butler is a higher priority than a personal trainer or chef. And the therapist and stylist, well Beyonce and Brad Pitt didn’t get where they are today without a bit of help. This might put a bit of a drain on your expenses at first, but all the extra hours at nights and weekends will pay off one day. Initially you could always rope-in friends and family to be your entourage. They will thank you for it later.

7. Produce your own range of luxury branded goods

No superstar celeb is complete without their own personal fragrance, clothing line or solid gold butt plug collection. To be truly famous, once must endeavour to get those fans buying stuff. Lots of stuff. And by purchasing your stuff, they too can hope to become more like you: a person with a lot of expensive stuff.

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It’s no easy ride to fame and fortune. Usually.

To be famous requires sacrifices. Not blood-based offerings to Satan, although that might help, but cash, time, sleep, happiness and friends. Only by devoting every waking second to your dream, lying, cheating, substance abuse and having multiple nervous breakdowns can you expect to be where your heroes are today. Unless of course you were born into money, in which case it’s all within your grasp immediately.

Fame, fortune and misery. It’s not just for the rich, but if you work really hard at it, you might get there. One day. Maybe. Or maybe not.

Have you ever dreamed of fame and fortune? What would your personal branded goods range include? Do tell.

 
© Copyright Jason Lennick 2016. All rights reserved.
 
image via SluckettG