I’ve been trying out this amazing new universal animal translation software and thought I’d give it a go. Here is the result.
It is morning in the home of Jason, Ann and their elderly cat, Minnie.
J: ‘Hi Minnie! How are you?’ *Strokes her back and face*
Minnie: ‘Never mind that shit, get me some grub!’
J: ‘Hang on a sec, gotta use the bathroom..’
Minnie: ‘Oi! Where the hell are you going? Get back here!’
*Tries to trip him up*
J: *Returns to kitchen and puts kettle on* ‘Yeah, I heard you, let me just get organised here..’
Minnie: ‘I’m still waiting… tic toc… ‘
J: ‘Right, there you go, your favourite food, and bloody pricey it was too! Happy now?’
Minnie: *sniffs food suspiciously* ‘Nah, I’ve gone off that brand.’
J: ‘What?!! Seriously! We just spent £25 on a big bag of that!’
Minnie: ‘So what! Do I look like I give a rat’s arse about your bank balance?’
J: *Muttering* ‘Bloody spoiled cat..’
Minnie: ‘I heard that! Now get me something else. And top up that water fountain while you’re at it. My litter box needs doing too..’
J ‘I just cleaned it!’
Minnie: ‘Well clean it again! What do you think I pay you people for?’
J: ‘You don’t pay us anything, you cost us a fortune!’
Minnie: ‘Bloody peasants, you just can’t get the staff these days.’
Later that day, Ann is attempting to relax and watch TV
Minnie: *Circles the sofa, meowing* ‘Hello! Hello! hello! Hello!’
A: ‘What is it Minnie, I’m trying to relax. You just had food and you’ve been outside three times. What now?’
Minnie: ‘I want to sit on your lap, it looks comfortable.’
A: ‘But you’ve got a big soft cushion to sit on.’
Minnie: ‘So what! I want to sit on your lap. It’s warmer.’
A: ‘Alright, but please sit still.’
Minnie: ‘I want food too.’
A: ‘We offered you food earlier, you didn’t like it!’
Minnie: ‘So get some other food already.’
*She is given a fresh plate of food. Leaves most of it*
A: ‘Now please just settle down. I want to watch TV.’
* Two minutes later*
Minnie: ‘I want to go out.’
A: ‘You’ve bloody been out three times!’
Minnie: ‘Yeah, but I gotta patrol some more. Plus I get treats when I come in. I like treats.’
A: ‘You want more treats? Fine, here you are..’
*Two minutes later, Minnie is restless again, and circling the sofa*
Minnie: ‘I need to poop.’
A: ‘Well, you know where the tray is.’
Minnie: ‘It’s not clean to my exacting standards.’
A: *Shouting* ‘Give me a break Minnie! I’ve cleaned the tray, cleaned your water fountain and you have three different types of food on three different plates!’
Minnie: ‘What of it? I am Minnie, Empress of the universe, and you are my serfs.’
J & A: *Look at each other* ‘Damn! We are enslaved!’
J: ‘But how did you become Empress? We didn’t vote for you.’
Minnie: ‘Let’s not rehash old Monty Python material. Just get it together monkeys, or I’m out of here. I have standards you know.’
A: ‘I told you we should have picked the other one!’
J: ‘Is eighteen years too long to return her? Could we swap her for a stick insect?’
Minnie: ‘Any rebellion will be crushed. Now, you better get those laps in order, I want to choose the softest.’
J & A: ‘Yes Empress, your wish is our command.’
Minnie: ‘That’s better. And hold still, I can’t relax if you keep moving about.’
A: ‘Aagh! The ants are back! Look, there’s one on the coffee table!’
Ant: ‘Wassup monkeys!’
A: ‘Bloody ants!’
Ant: ‘Woah! Chill out, there’s no need to be antist’
J: ‘This is all getting a bit silly.’
A: ‘Yes, it is.’
Minnie: ‘Can you all STFU, I’m trying to take a nap here.’
J, A, Ant: ‘Sorry!’
J: ‘Look! Doctor Dolittle is just starting on channel nine! What an amazing coincidence!’
Ant: ‘Overrated. I don’t know how it scored 6.2 on IMDB.’
Minnie: ‘I agree. I prefer Cat People and that only got 6.1!’
*Minnie and the ant go into a long discussion about cliches and negative stereotypes of animals and insects in movies*
A fly lands on the table. In a tiny and almost inaudible voice it says ‘Help me!’
*We all look at each other*
J, A, Minnie & Ant: ‘Aaaargh! Freaky!’
***
I think the software has certainly revealed some interesting insights into the minds of the creatures with whom we share our homes (not always willingly). What could your lovable companions be thinking? Dare you try this amazing new software?
© Copyright J.Lennick 2016. All rights reserved.
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Halfbananas - humour, short fiction & verse 
It’s clear that though you thought you were sharing your home with Minnie the Cat, it was actually with Ming the Merciless. I’m not sure I’d swap her for a stick insect, though. At least, not until you’ve had a chance to listen to what it has to say for itself. Perhaps it claims to be Master of the Multiverse or something.
Incidentally, I referenced the exact same scene of “The Fly” in a post recently too. Now that makes two nights this week that I won’t be able to sleep.
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Perhaps she is ‘Min the merciless..’ it often feels that way. Good point about the stick insect, for all we know they may be plotting our downfall this very moment. Sorry about The Fly insomnia thing. I will try to balance it by writing a post on something more soothing, perhaps featuring sheep jumping over fences..
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It’s okay, Jason. I’m over my nightmares about The Fly. I’m far too worried about stick insects to ever get to sleep these days.
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As I periodically volunteer at a cat shelter I think I’ve heard all those conversations, often with simultaneous conflicting demands on the same topic from different cats. I’d turn the translation software off, but that’s a good way to get scratched or bitten.
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That’s really cool Dave. My partner Ann has been considering volunteering for a cat organisation here. I’m just worried how Minnie will react if she finds out..
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Cats have a good sense of smell. She’ll know…
You might enjoy this post about one of my shelter jobs.
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Good post Dave and a nice insight into the work they do at shelters. We may be picking your brain at some point for photography tips if Ann does go ahead and volunteer. She’s taken some lovely shots of Minnie over the years, but shooting as you do ‘in the field’ sounds way more challenging.
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Well, it probably helps if they have a chance to get settled in. That’s the big challenge with shooting on intake, they’ve just spent 10 hours in a box and have a bunch of new sights and smells to check out. Beyond that, decent lighting and patience. Good luck either way.
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If Minnie finds out that Ann has too much free time on her hands….
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That could be a problem. It’s not easy to evade the Empress of the universe, she is too powerful..
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Aha, brilliant. Reminds me of my best friend’s cat. I personally hate cats; I’m convinced that they’re plotting to take over the world.
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Jason, you have to remember that in Egypt cats were gods — because THEY certainly haven’t forgotten!
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I’m a little concerned that the software might be a scam. How does the ant know what the cat’s saying? Does the ant also have access to this cross-species translation software?
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It can translate between all human and non-human languages in real time. The big challenge is finding headphones to fit them..
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OMG! Its a nightmare.While I am writing this- A cockroach is roaming around. Wonder if it yells at me “Look down you nuts”. Had a good laugh reading the piece.
Forgot to mention..I popped into your Blog through Bun’s. I m lucky and You have a new follower.
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Thanks very much, I’m glad you enjoyed the post and hope you made friends with that cockroach. I’ll check out your blog. 🙂
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I hope you like my Blog . Note- It does not have Humor element much but yes, it reflects my life.
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